Home Feels Like So Far Away

Tonight's message in Barre was nothing but the truth. I know I've heard this over and over again...but when am I going to give in. Jason M. preached about not being able to live two lives. I have got to choose to live for God or live with out God but I can't do both or I'll be miserable. Well, I know this.... hummmm....let me think about it some more...... will the thinking about it ever end? I know that there is a God, I know that I can trust God cause he can do anything and he is the only one in control. However, I also know that in order to live for God you must do the work. Most people seem to not have a problem with this. I didn't at first until now. I don't know what changed. Now I question why I'm living this way. So, I decided to do a do over with my walk with God. Starting at the beginning so I know exactly why. Well, guess what...starting over is hard work! It feels like I have cut most of the ties with God. I know that he is still with me but where did his power go? I love hearing his music, and praying with him but when I need to push until something happens...yeah, about that. It's not working! No actually, I'm not trying. I give up, Quit and think what a pain in the but...Why can't I get home... to the place where God and I were able to talk? For longer than five minutes!

After service I went to the golden arches with some close friends. They are definetly going home to God's house in heaven. I don't even have to say a word and in their presence which is also God's presence because they are so close, I'm able to relax. All stress goes out the window with reality leaving my thoughts. They are like family and hanging with them feels like I'm at home. Conversation or not I could just sit with them forever. So, driving home, I thought and listened to another couple of friends singing. They too are like family. Around them I feel very safe and relaxed to just be me. One day when I have a home I want that type of atomsphere. All the way home I listened to them sing. Part of the song says, " And he ran to me took me in his arms held my head to his chest and said my son's come home again" ................... Doesn't that sound so GREAT! I wish that God could just come down and hold me in his arms just to say "you know I still love you" .................... That would really help ya know...If he could just be hear to help me get back on the right road with him. I just need to get beyond this red traffic light. God, please turn the light green in time for me to make it.

I know that right now is not the time to not be right in the eyes of God. I also know that I need my own experience with God. Tonight, I asked God in the car for help, to meet me half way. It feels like I'm in the movie Facing the Giants, and I'm trying to get through the death crawl. I told God I need help, I can't make it to the end...please meet me half way. I cried and I waited... He said,"no?" What is up with that? But God can do anything. I know he wants to come half way and meet me but he has reached a point where he has got to see that I want to be near him too. I thought to myself and said to God, "But it hurts too much!" And God said,"yeah, but If it doesn't hurt than you'll never push through and get motivated to find your way to me!"

This is a bit much. Why does everyone have to have their own experience? I wish mine was easier. Well, it looks like I am over the hunny moon period! Now I get to work for what I want. I don't want to grow up...I want to be a ToysRus Kid. But hopefully the bible is right when it said, "Greater is he that is with in me."

Calling it like it is...so, what is it really?

What is going on? Will someone please let me know who I am? Right now I'm full of confusion and know matter what I do, I'm just not doing good enough. Living for God is not working because I don't know what is really God and what is me or human. Some people think that I am practicing my liberty by some of the general observations, but they are far from the truth. I'm so glad that people think that they know all of my intentions when I'm not even sure of my own intentions.
Living like worldly people does not work either, because I have been not living like the people of this world. I don't sin and make poor choices like some of them do. Really, I wish that people would help me through encouragement, providing me with feedback or suggestions with scriptures to back up their thoughts. If others used common sense when they decide to open their mouths then, It would be easier for me to take into consideration what they're really trying to tell me. Telling others what you think they should do now or in the future would be more beneficial to see some kind of change.
So, finishing up this post...I really hope for my sake that I figure out how to live as a Christian, individual, Professional, Family member, Friend, Student and whatever other role life decides to throw my way. I'm getting tired of trying to be good enough and I'm resorting to the familiar, however far back familiar seems to be to me. I will not be told what to do or how to act but I will live according to the values that I learn over time to be righteous. In some peoples opinions, I am currently not showing that I am able to be a righteous person but that is why I must start from the beginning and learn through self teaching. I wish that self teaching didn't have to involve so much but with the feeling of little support in general all around makes self teaching a must. I do want my own experiences but they're just not available to me or so it seems.
I must apologize for being in such a down mood right now. I'm posting exactly what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, and although it sounds depressing ... hey, at least it is all honest. Hopefully, the next post will be written with some kind of hope.

God Bless Bill Collectors!

God Bless Bill Collectors! I'm glad God loves everyone, cause someone has to show them love. And right now it's not going to be me. Man, that sounds awful but I am doing a pretty darn good job of paying off old debt. But They're Still Not happpy! Surprise! Due to the fact that I am complaining this post will not be long. If you haven't guessed I'm a bit disgruntled. Well, moving on...I hope everyone is having a good day. And a little word of advice. If bill collectors are calling you, it might be best to leave the phone off the hook, if you would like to stay in a good mood. Have a good day! And God Bless!

Man, what a horrible christian example. If you're reading this and you're christian then remember to keep your eyes focused on God and not the ways of man. Or woman ... or pretty much me when I'm in a bad mood. :)

The Real Truth

What is the real truth? Many people seem to know different versions of what the truth is to them that will set them free. To many people the truth is different. Some truths for one person, are simply not the same or equivalent to other beliefs of what the truth really is. Could everyone be trying to justify what they believe to be true? If this is the case, we might all be wrong. So, many people judge and are critics of other people, when they should really be focusing on themselves. And even focusing on yourself could be not good because you can be deceived. What are we all to do? Many people seek God for the answer. God is a great source for walking on the path to righteousness.
Some where in the bible, it says something similar to this. Straight and narrow is the path of righteousness and there are few who find it. If anyone knows the scripture that I'm thinking of feel free to write the exact wording. This verse was stated in the movie Facing the Giants, when David was being taught how to kick the football straight through the field goal. Right now, I'm wondering how in the world am I going to find my way to the truth? Especially, already knowing that straight and narrow is the path and there are few who find it. Please God, send me a message, call me up or drop me a line, so that I to can find the truth.

Dating Again !

Tonight, I spent the entire night on a date with God. Spending sometime alone with him at home while doing homework I enjoyed listening to songs sung especially for him. Then, tonight we spent some alone time together in the car singing. Thank goodness it was just the two of us. We sang so much that, I became distracted and missed the exit. But...no problem...that just gave me an excuse to stay in the car with him. I didn't want to stop hearing from him through the music. I thought that when I arrived at church I would have to look around again to try and find God.
Walking into service late God stayed with me through the service. God provided me with reassurance, not to worry it's just me and him. Coincidentally, the Pastor preached a message called Excuse Me. It was about making it to the aisle, making it to the alter and making it to him. (God) Whatever, I do I know I want to make it to God. Lately, I've been questioning what it is I believe, and why do I do some things that I do. Acting upon the unknown, I decided to push the rewind button in my walk with God. Going back to the begining and really seeking God. I would like to do as some songs say, which include:

• I don't want to go through the motions
• I want to be free to be me
  
• I want Jesus to take the wheel
• I want Jesus to be my everything
• I would like him to teach me how to pray and live a life of faith so I can go anywhere with him.

And my hope is that one day I can stand firm with strong faith and trust in him. And from what ever time that might be, I would like to sing and teach with the power of God. What a night!

What I know I Need

Oh, man I love the things I'm learning! Right now the best thing that I am learning is that there is always more to learn. In addition, I'm learning you can receive learning with a positive attitude and better yourself. Or you can be a Stinker and be whinny and negative. More than likely you're going to loose all of your friends that way though or see less of them. Not to mention you're probably going to drive yourself crazy. People don't enjoy hanging out with negative people. I love the more I'm learning in regards to my profession, education, future, money, investments and the quality of life that I would like to be building. Finally, the most interesting thing that I've learned so far is how to keep the communication lines between me and God open.
Some people may think that I'm crazy, or just weird to talk to a "God" that other people can't physically hear. But whether I hear back or not, I know that God hears everything both aloud and silent. This last week, I've been trying to keep two facts in the front of my mind.

1. GOD IS IN CONTROL OF ALL THINGS, EVEN WHEN WE DON'T UNDERSTAND OR SEE WHAT IS GOING ON.
2. WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

(Some people know the exact scripture. I know that this is far from all that it says but I know a God who's carrying me! And yes, that last verse is from a song but it is so true!)

I know who I am right now and I know what I need. So, for right now I'm going to face my giant which is to have faith in God by putting all of my trust in him. Now, I know that I have friends who will read this and if at any point you hear me not putting my trust in God PLEASE REMIND ME OF IT. YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION WHETHER IT FEELS GOOD HEARING WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY OR NOT. Thanks so very much!

Messages Through Music!

Wow...I thought tonight, maybe I'll quickly get on line and check my email, facebook and some friends blogs. However, as I visited some blogs I realized that I really needed to leave some type of comment. I don't understand why the reality or cares of life right now seem to be so frustrating. I thought that I was the only person struggling ... but as things really are ... it's more than just me. Tonight, while leaving a comment on a friends blog, I listened to some music from her blog. The first song called, The More I Seek You simply just broke me down. Beginning to think of all of the craziness which life throws our way, then thinking about the words to the song. The more I seek you (God) the more I find you. The more I find you, the more I love you. It's so true and simple to seek God and build that relationship.
Recently, I have stopped seeking God. And the truth is that for a few weeks now I have been unable to commit to making walking away from God and the church a permament decision. Times when I knew I was never going to return to church, God continued to tug at me. Yet I numerously was consistent in pushing away any kind of feelings and positive thoughts of God. I was determined to prove to myself that I might infact be a follower of other people in the church. Convinced that my relationship with God wasn't true, I was all set or All Done. As tonight and into tomorrow morning progresses, I'm thinking how stupid my thought process is sounding right now. It feels so good to just hear some christian music.
Sometimes the Pastor can read my mail, other times messages at church just seem meant for me. Luckly for me tonight the music was used to send a message through me. Through this song list and in this order.

• The More I Seek You By, Kari Jobe
• Dancing Generation By,
• Jesus Be My Everything By, Matt Maher

Right now, at this very moment... I am very glad to know someone who cares enough for God to share his music with others through her blog. Even more I am wishing that the verses referring to Jesus being my everything would happen for me. Tonights preaching made me quickly remember how easy it is to simply seek Jesus. The more I seek him the more I'll love him. The more I love him, the more I'll talk with him and be blessed with the happiness and joy of his presence, which is overwhelming. And the first thing I'm ready to talk with him about his how he can be my everything. The verses of the song say teach me how to pray, to live a life of faith...I'll go anywhere with you. Well, God only knows how much I want him to be my everything.

Finally, I'm going to end this post because it is 2:00 AM. This is definetly an excuse but Jesus did say to rest. But I'm so thankful to share this blog and touching moment with others. I'm really hoping that Jesus will continue to remind me how to live this life of faith.